evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
