He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
