wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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