I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize