I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
