yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Congratulations! We have a period
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