Sponge bath it is.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
