Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
