I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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