Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
