Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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