I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
