never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
