i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
the room spins SO much faster in panama
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
