I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
