I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
