I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
