I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
