I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
