EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
