If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
