someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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