i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
