Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
