Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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