margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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