I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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