Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
