sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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