I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
