Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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