I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
