I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
