just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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