You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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