I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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