Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize