i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
