I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
