I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
