you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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