i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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