I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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