Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
