remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
