hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize