ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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