i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
