I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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