I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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