So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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