Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Also, beer. Big fan.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
