Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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