That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Randomize
