Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize