my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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