Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
