she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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