I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
