You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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