turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
