Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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