I met the friendliest cop last night
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just invented taco cereal.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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