My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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