If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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