I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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