Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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