Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Boobs are out for the taking
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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