what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
