In the future we'll all be gay
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
