there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
